Heroic Heterism

Our world is a constant and consistent carousal of ebb and flow, trial and error, actions and reactions, or simply put, changes. Whether we notice it or not our days are filled with a steady dance of revolution. We are constantly changing, evolving and hopefully progressing toward the next piece of our lives. To look back at my life just a year ago I am amazed at how far I’ve come and how much has changed in the lives of myself and those around me. It seems so unreal that in just a year my family has run a marathon of emotions, situations and circumstances that some may never experience in their life times. At the begging of this journey I was angry that I had so much on my plate and that I had to deal with it all. I constantly wondered why I had been given this lot in life and why it couldn’t all just be easier. But as I changed and grew it became easy to understand that this happened for a reason, and that I am so much stronger for it. Despite the nights I spent sleepless due to uncertainty or the fact that I will always be worried about it all falling apart again, I would never change a single day of my life. The mountains I climbed and the valleys I stumbled through have brought me to a place of acceptance and contentment. Now I wouldn’t say that I am happy that everything that has brought me to this place has happened, but I am happy and proud of the growth that it has brought along with it. In understanding that we are always changing we can grasp the idea that after every down there is an up. Just like riding a carousal.

Genuinely Grateful

If you would have caught me a year ago, or even a few months ago, I would have been the queen of “woe is me.” I had mastered the art of feeling sorry for myself and even began to master the art of making others feel sorry for me. I felt so terrible that my lot in life wasn’t that of a Stepford family, rather I was dealt with what I felt was a losing hand of poker. And had I been an outsider looking in, I probably would have wanted to slap myself. It took a good long talk with a strong woman, who I am fortunate enough to consider a mentor, to really whack my woe is me ways away. She helped me open my eyes to how truly grateful I should be with the blessings my life has given me.

Now that I have come to my epiphany I seriously wonder how I had let my perception become so clouted. How can I not be so grateful that my dad was hired at the same place that helped him recover? How can I not be so grateful that despite my mom not having a job, that she has been able to remain so positive and such an angel for my dad and I? How can I not be grateful that I have a group of friends who care so deeply for me and are there for me to provide unconditional love and support? How can I not be grateful that I’ve found a job, that I actually really enjoy, a job that pays me enough, so worrying about bills isn’t an issue? How can I not be grateful for all the small blessings that I have in my life everyday?

That’s right, I have to be grateful. And yes I know that I will have days that will feel less than perfect, but from now on I know not to dwell on those days. Those days don’t define my life, me or my interactions with others. From now on the positive in my life is what will fuel my being. Something as simple as a smile will be the firewood for my soul. Because now I am grateful; grateful for every little thing that my life has to offer me.

Forever

It feels as though there are so few moments in life where we can feel truly connected to another person, let alone a group of people. An occasional sports game can give us a sense of unity, or an intimate moment with a loved one, but these situations can last a few seconds and be fleeting in our lives. With the advances of technology in our everyday interactions such as facebook updates, texts messages and emails we keep our selves at a distance from actually making connections to those who are right in front of us. And this advancement in technology is truly amazing in a technical sense and even in its ability to keep us connected to people we otherwise wouldn’t be able to, however it is disheartening that we have become unable to sit across a table from someone and have a conversation with that person and not check our phones for texts, updates or emails.

But there are moments, however unfortunate the circumstance that brings them about might be, that have an amazing power to unite, and ignite a sense of love, compassion and brotherhood that so often is overlooked or unused in our lives. Recently our world saw two life altering events, one united us against a common evil and brought out our pride and love for one another, the other has cemented this feeling of camaraderie in a spectacular showing of patriotism and unfiltered joy, that as a child seeing both events has brought tears to my eyes to witness.

I hate the circumstances in which our unity has been developed; however I am enveloped in a sense of heart warmth with our reaction to it. And I truly hope that as the days, months and years pass from these times that we are all able to hold on to the feelings of oneness that we have been so fortunate enough to grasp. I feel as though if we can all hold a moment of unity with our brothers and sisters in our hearts, we are destined to head for a great place.

Escape Ecmnesia

Disclaimer: This post may anger those older than me. You may want to hit me, tell me to shut up or simply ride my rant off as nonsensical.

You usually hear of people who are turning 30 or 50 complain about their lost youth and how they fear the next decade of their life. I feel as though I am experiencing that anxiety as my 22 birthday approaches. I know it sounds absolutely ludicrous but I am truly dreading this upcoming birthday. I feel as though the year 22 of my life marks my true welcoming to adulthood; a pool that I’ve been swimming in for years, just unnoticed by the grownups. I’m worried that the days of my life where the opportunity to be careless and easygoing are going to be behind me. And I never even enjoyed them. I used to work for myself, my own spending money to do as I pleased. That changed, and now my money goes to bills and rent. I am constantly crunching numbers in my head, wondering if I worked theses extra hours if we can afford to pay the phone bill or if I got this job and that wage how much more would I bring in.

But please don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful that I can take care of my family. They’ve been the ones to look after me when I couldn’t look after myself and now it’s my turn. And I’m so happy that I am able to care for them. I just have my moments of day dreams, where I’m not worried about what we can afford, where the numbers I’m crunching are part of a math equation for school. Where life is just simple and easy.

I’m afraid of the upcoming year, because I’m worried that these stresses in my life will only worsen, and soon enough I’m going to wake up at 30 and look back and not see anything.

I know it’s a silly fear, like my aversion to velvet, but its one of those things that I just can’t shake. As each day is marked off the calendar and the dates get closer and closer to the Bday my anxiety and dread grows and grows. Hopefully after the day comes and goes I can read this and write again saying that I was wrong and overreacting. But until then, I’m hoping for a “16 Candles” birthday.

Divine Dreams

“Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin”

For those movie buffs out there you automatically now these iconic words from a little movie known as Pretty Woman. I recently thought of this line from the beginning of that movie while I was writing at the top of

Mulholland Dr.

overlooking the city. It got me thinking about the nearly 10 million people living in Los Angeles and their 10 million dreams and their 10 million stories, and how I am just one of those dreams.

I am simply a girl with a dream of using my words to inspire those who read my lexis. To use my voice as a catalyst for change, and a source of comfort to those in need. My dream is to create beauty in every piece of life, no matter how mundane or ordinary it may be. My dream is to give everyone a voice.

So I will keep writing and keep creating in hopes that these words touch those who read it. I hope that you will do the same in life. No matter how far fetched your dreams may seem, try to make it a reality. And if they don’t work out there is “always time to dream, so keep on dreamin.”

Cracked-Up

Have you ever heard the expression “don’t put all your eggs in one basket?” If you haven’t, think about it for a moment. If you have and have also done as this saying cautions you not too, then you know the stomach sinking feeling when all your eggs break because you tripped and landed on your basket.

Over the years I have tried not get my hopes up in situations where I’m not sure what the outcome will be. I’ve had more than enough moments where I was so sure of something only to be told that I wasn’t the perfect fit, or he’s just not that into me. I have learned over time that if I don’t expect much there is no way to be disappointed, because I don’t take disappointment well at all.

But just the other day I put all my eggs, a lot of eggs, in one basket. I didn’t heed my own warning about these situations and I was walking with my head high and proud and didn’t see a rock and I fell hard on my basket. Cracking every single one of my eggs.

But this time instead of crying over my cracked eggs, I saw it as an opportunity for change. It dawned on me as the familiar feeling of “not again” began to wash over my body that there was no reason to allow my stumble to keep me from still going. Yes, what I was so sure about and wanted so badly didn’t work out, but how many other great opportunities is it now giving me? Plenty!

So now, when I crack my eggs, I’m simply going to invite some friends over and make a good scramble.

Bare feet, Big toes & Bunions

Relationships can give you super highs of self confidence and lonely lows of self consciousness. When you’re having a good day you can feel as though you’re the only person your partner can look at. But when you have those days, and we all have them, that you don’t feel as beautiful as you are, you can begin to nitpick at yourself, “my boobs are too small…he like blondes…I’m too chubby,” so many falsely perceived imperfections that we all want to change.

Let me pull an example out of my life’s book. I once dated a man with a foot fetish. So for me it wasn’t my waist or my bust or my butt that caused me my moments of anxiety about my body, it was my feet. And aside from a pedicure, there isn’t much you can do to conform your feet to some one’s idea of perfection. I did however think of Chinese foot binding, and then Googled it, terrible, terrible idea!

But in any case I started noticing other women’s feet, comparing my own to theirs. I began to grow more and more aware of my feet. Of how they looked, felt, even how they smelled. I began to crazy about them. He would tell me that it didn’t matter, that he liked me and my feet just they way I am, a plus size girl with size 9.5 feet and little bunions. Yet I could never believe him.

It actually took a good long look in the mirror for me to realize that he was right. That despite my imperfections, my big feet or bunions, that he wasn’t just dating my feet. He was dating me. Slowly I began to stop looking at other girl’s feet in comparison to mine and I began to accept myself,

Now I haven’t been in a relationship since my foot fetish friend so I can’t say that I’m now a changed woman. But I can hope that I go into my next relationship knowing that I am beautiful and worthy of love despite my imperfections. And who ever is next to accompany me through my journey will do just that, love me for my imperfections.

Absolute Apologies

“I’m Sorry” Those two words seem to be some the most difficult for any person who is in the wrong to say.  No one likes to admit that what they have said or done had consequences they weren’t anticipating. Or that their actions negatively affected someone. No one likes to admit that they’re wrong and because of that apologies are hard to come by.

I too have a hard time saying those two words. I can say it a thousand times in my head before I can conjure the courage to say it out loud to the person who most needs to hear it. And by the time I’ve actually said “I’m sorry” the damage of my silence has often already taken its toll.

Relationships can be ruined, grudges held, anger and resentment combusting into a terrible mushroom cloud of acrimony and bitterness. All because we are to afraid to say that we were wrong? Own up to our faults? And simply just say “I’m sorry”?

Well I don’t want any part of that. When I am wrong I will be humble and understanding of what I have done and I will apologize. I don’t want to loose anymore relationships because I am afraid of two words or what they symbolize. My own ego or pride can take a back seat to those I love in life that I may hurt along the line. I will practice humility and perceptiveness in all situations of my life. And never again allow a relationship, friendship or an acquaintance to suffer from not hearing “I’m Sorry” when I have wronged them.