Emotional Healing. Child of an alcoholic. Young adult depression. Inspiration.

I was once told by a wise woman that emotions are a strong force to be reckoned with. They breathe their own life and have their own destructive force. If one does not allow their emotions both happy and sad to escape and feel acknowledged, they will eat away at the life they live in. My journey in life has been a road filled with many peaks of happiness and many valleys of depression. But through it all I have held those words of wisdom with me. I have always found it easy to release my anguish, my depression, my sadness, and my happiness to those around me who love me and to my best friends “pad and paper.”

With this blog I hope to inspire others to write their emotions on paper, let the forgiving page hear all the words of hurt, pain, contentment, joy. With this blog I hope to inspire myself to forgive all that hurts in my life, to let go of old grudges and to grow, from the inside out.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Zesty Zephyr

I’ve recently decided that my life is rather mundane. That my life has become to scheduled and regimented. I hardly ever do what I want, because I feel the need to please everyone else and am worried what people will think of me. Or I become too worried about grown up responsibilities to allow myself to do something. I want to travel to New York, but how expensive is the ticket? How can I get the out of work? Who will go with me? Every decision I make has so many factors to take into account that spontaneity isn’t something I know much about. I’m 21 and already an old maid.
So as the season of change is upon us and resolutions are being made, I too will join the masses to make a resolution for the New Year. I here by declare that I will allow myself to be selfish. I will allow myself to be spontaneous. I will not over analyze every situation and I will do things for me. I will be a breath of fresh air. I will be a Zesty Zephyr in 2011.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


I’m generally a very optimistic person. I don’t allow negative things to effect me. I try to always see the positive in a situation. But for some reason these past few days have been some really pessimistic ones for me. At work I say “Happy New Years” to my customers, and almost always their reply is “Lets hope its better than 2010.” I remember saying something very similar for the past few years, but I’ve been proven wrong every time. In 2008 my dad got his first DUI… “Let’s hope its better than 2008” In 2009 we lost our house and my mom lost her job of over 25 years… “Let’s hope its better than 2009” In 2010 my dad got his second DUI and we moved a second time in under a year. So as this year comes to its final few days, thinking that 2011 is going to be a better year almost seems to be a futile effort. I’m afraid to get my hopes up for 2011, because I don’t want to see myself a year from now adding another unfortunate benchmark to that list.
However, as much as I would love to shut up the optimist in me, and just wallow in these pessimistic view, because they are much easier to conjure than optimistic ones, I can’t allow myself too. Yes, life these past years have been hard. It can bring tears to my eyes just thinking about them. But with the bad, also comes the good. And although it is hard to see the silver lining on what seems like a cloud that will not move, I know it has to be there. So although I do not want to read this a year from now, and say “I told you so” to myself, I will hope for better in 2011. 2011 will bring me and my family strength, happiness, serenity and more optimistic days.

So to all I say Happy New Year. Lets hope its better than 2010.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Xmas & Xanax

Christmas in my house has always been a big to do. Our holiday schedule was always packed and our hearts filled with happiness for the season. This year however has been a much different story from the rest. Stress and dips of depression with a mix of “this came way too fast” have all added up to a Christmas that doesn’t feel like Christmas. With my dad being in rehab and it just being my mom and I it never really felt like the season was going to come. As if our lives were going to fast forward through these months. So when the actualization that it was here finally hit us, I think we both went into a tail spin. Decorations. A tree. Gifts. Family traditions. Christmas Carols. Stockings.  It all became a bit overwhelming. But my mom, ever the warrior, was determined to make our humble home feel like it used to. Finding bits of our decorations hiding under beds, she decorated our house with a little cheer. And even became very inventive when it came to getting our Christmas tree. My mom helped bring the true meaning of Christmas to my eyes. Its not the material things that we celebrate. It’s the laughter, the love, the family and being thankful for what you have. This year more than any other I should, and will be most grateful to just wake up tomorrow morning and have my mom and my dad all sitting and enjoying each others company, because that’s the biggest gift I could have asked for this year.  I guess you can call this Christmas in my house hold “The Miracle on
Riverside Dr

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wakeup Wonderful

Have you ever gotten up one morning and just felt like it was going to be a bad day? Where the moment your eyes opened and looked to see that the sun was shinning you knew you weren’t ready for it. Lately I feel like I have those mornings rather frequently…okay pretty much everyday. I feel like as soon as I wake up there is one problem or another that is going to slap me in the face. I guess that’s all in line when the stress of the holidays pairs with the stress of being the daughter of a recovering alcoholic. But whatever the reason may, waking up is becoming a depressing chore. And please don’t get me wrong, I have never been a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but when I did get up, being awake didn’t seem so bad; It’s probably because my mom used to sing to wake me, “wakeup my lil baby, wakeup!” best way to wake up ever! How can you have a bad day when you’re being sung too to wake up?

That must be it; my mom would wake me up with positivity. Even when times have been rough in the past, which they have, my mornings were started dazzlingly with a song from mom. I’ve got to find a way to wake myself with my own song. A positive message in the morning to tell myself that no matter what the day will bring, I can handle it and it will be a good day. Now because I cant exactly sing myself awake, and also because I don’t have a great voice, I will start my mornings with two simple words. “Wakeup Wonderful.” With these two words, my mornings will start with a positive spin and I will have good days. So to everyone out there, I say to you wakeup wonderful!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Vividly Vacant

mellow yellows reds and blues
colors blurring
flowing from his open mind
beauty flying
flapping and drifting
through space and time
seeing fully
no cover to the experience
no top to blow off
just being
allowing the colors
to bleed from his open mind
and float away
on a parasol of flowing air
a peaceful state of mind
closing his eyes
as the butterflies
escape his tired mentality
free of restriction
free of judgment
as the muted colors
become nothing.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Umbilical Underachievers

We all love to hear a story about a person who despite all challenges in their life is able to emerge from their struggles a strong, independent person; a person we would see on Oprah bearing their heart and telling their story of success.  We all love an underdog. However these stories are not nearly as frequent as we would like to hear. Rather for every one person who may make it out of their situations there are at least one hundred who are waiting to be cast on the Jerry Springer Show. People who despite growing up in a situation that hasn’t worked for those around them, haven’t learned enough to try a different path in life. It may sound mean or crass, but I call these individuals Umbilical Underachievers.
I vow to myself that I will not have the same life my parents have led from themselves. I am smart enough to take their life lessons and teach myself what in life to do or not to do. I’m in no way saying that they have led less than satisfactory lives, but I am saying that I will take what they have given me and make it better. And I feel that that is a gift that ever parent should wish for their child, and every child want for themselves.
It astounds me when I hear another heart breaking story of a girl who is pregnant at 15, whose mom had her at 16 and so on. I am flabbergasted that the cycle was never broken. And granted this situation works out wonderfully for some, those are the Oprah stories, it doesn’t for all.
Do we as a society glorify these situations? Do we say it is okay to not break the cycle by giving publicity like, Teen Mom, True Life, Jerry Springer or Steve Wilkos? Yes, they make good drama but those are real people, living real lives, who aren’t making life better for themselves. Instead of having shows where we just sit and watch these people stay stagnant in life, I believe we should all go out and try to better our lives. Don’t look toward those shows that showcase a mundane life to justify your life. Rather look towards those people who have been able to surface from their lives dirt as a inspiration and a goal to work towards.
We have it in us all to make a better life for ourselves. We just have to believe that we can and not loose sight of that goal. And when it comes time to give the gift of hope to your children, please oh please don’t allow them to be umbilical underachievers. Allow them to blossom. And allow yourself to blossom too. Don’t be afraid!