Disclaimer: This post may anger those older than me. You may want to hit me, tell me to shut up or simply ride my rant off as nonsensical.
You usually hear of people who are turning 30 or 50 complain about their lost youth and how they fear the next decade of their life. I feel as though I am experiencing that anxiety as my 22 birthday approaches. I know it sounds absolutely ludicrous but I am truly dreading this upcoming birthday. I feel as though the year 22 of my life marks my true welcoming to adulthood; a pool that I’ve been swimming in for years, just unnoticed by the grownups. I’m worried that the days of my life where the opportunity to be careless and easygoing are going to be behind me. And I never even enjoyed them. I used to work for myself, my own spending money to do as I pleased. That changed, and now my money goes to bills and rent. I am constantly crunching numbers in my head, wondering if I worked theses extra hours if we can afford to pay the phone bill or if I got this job and that wage how much more would I bring in.
But please don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful that I can take care of my family. They’ve been the ones to look after me when I couldn’t look after myself and now it’s my turn. And I’m so happy that I am able to care for them. I just have my moments of day dreams, where I’m not worried about what we can afford, where the numbers I’m crunching are part of a math equation for school. Where life is just simple and easy.
I’m afraid of the upcoming year, because I’m worried that these stresses in my life will only worsen, and soon enough I’m going to wake up at 30 and look back and not see anything.
I know it’s a silly fear, like my aversion to velvet, but its one of those things that I just can’t shake. As each day is marked off the calendar and the dates get closer and closer to the Bday my anxiety and dread grows and grows. Hopefully after the day comes and goes I can read this and write again saying that I was wrong and overreacting. But until then, I’m hoping for a “16 Candles” birthday.