Questions, I have so many. Some are silly and some may never be answered. But still these questions have taken up residence in my head. I can usually satiate my need to know the difference between “GREY” and “GRAY” by looking up the answers on Google, or if its one of those questions that has no true answer I just leave them behind like dirty laundry to be dealt with on another day. However sometimes I toss so much in that pile that it explodes. And when these questions won’t be quiet I am hit with a barrage of “hows” “whys” and “whats.” It is in these explosions that I am most vulnerable, because then the most deadly question is brought out of the depths of my mind, the “what ifs…”
My mind immediately fills with thoughts like, “what if I was thinner,” “what if I didn’t act like that,” “ What if I let him go when he wanted to leave,” “WHAT IF…WHAT IF…WHAT IF…” I could drive myself crazy with all those thoughts. And I do. With every “what if” that enters my mind a new layer of insecurity seems to cover me, like a poorly designed blanket that makes you colder instead of warm. As these layers pile up on my mind I fall into a dark place, a sad place, a place I’ve seen to often in my mind. I lie there in my pile of dirty laundry questions and create my own worst scenarios for every “what if.” It is only ever when I am tired of thinking that I begin to ascend out of my collection of questions. Upon my ascension I always feel the same, relieved that its over, and confident that I never want to do that to myself again; yet somehow I always do.
But in a effort to slowly change aspects of my life that I am unhappy about, I will keep myself out of that hole of quandaries and deal with each question, no matter how difficult, silly or unanswerable it may be, as it comes, and no longer allow them to pile up and take me over. I will no longer allow “what if” to have control over me for I am now quitting those questions.